We weren't best friends, and we didn't keep in touch after our days at VFCC, but I find the news of the last couple days particularly heart-wrenching. I mean, certainly, and foremost in my mind, my prayers go out to his family. I can't imagine the pain of their loss. But so many other things have crossed my mind in the last 36 hours as well.
More than any other thought, and as is often the case in situations like this: "Why?" Such a small word with such far reaching implications. The problem is that I have no answer. And I never will. There is nothing I could say that would ever be good enough to give reason to the unimaginable. So I say nothing. It's not hopelessness, I know Jeff is celebrating with Jesus tonight. I know he is infinitely happier than I can even imagine. But somehow, though I hope, it does little to comfort the immediate pain of loss.
And it makes me think about those I'm much closer to. Do I appreciate them? Do they know how much I love them? Would I have regrets?
I'm seeing all of the pictures of family in my house as if it were the first time I've looked at them. The sign above the archway to the hall that reads "Count Your Blessings". In the quietness of this hour, I miss the sounds of my children laughing and screaming and playing. Am I a good father? Will they be okay if something happened to me? Am I living my life so they see Jesus in me? God, I hope so. Please let it be. Help me.
The best I can do in moments like this is to cling to my faith and the hope I have in Christ. Some would say I'm a fool, that events like this make me crazy for believing in God at all. The fact is, it's that very belief that keeps me from going crazy. Without the knowledge that God has my life and my future and those of my loved ones, in His hands, regardless of what happens, I WOULD lose my mind. I would drown in the hopelessness of it all. But my hope and my strength are in the Lord. This life is not a mystery to Him. He's bigger than my grief. And His plan doesn't end when we draw our last breath.
"Jesus said..."I am the resurrection and the life. He who believes in me will live, even though he dies; and whoever lives and believes in me will never die."" - John 11-25-26
"Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God; trust also in me. In my Father's house are many rooms; if it were not so I would have told you. I am going there to prepare a place for you. And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you may be where I am." - John 14:1-3
Jeff, you will be missed. The outpouring of love I've seen online alone is a testimony to your life. We're all better for having known you! You are loved here, and now you know the infinite love of your Creator perfectly. See you soon buddy.
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